The first word I hear most days is “Mummy”, followed by a tender “I love you” or “good morning” or “Can I have chocolate for breakfast?” Or in J’s case I get a I’m hungry whinge!
Before my eyes are even open, before my brain has fully adjusted to the reality of no more sleep. I am reminded that before all else, I am Mummy . I have two little people depending on me to fulfil that role unquestioningly.
There are days, of course, that I inwardly groan and silently beg for a break from this relentless responsibility. I don’t want to be a cook, cleaner, stylist, mentor, nurse, art teacher, entertainer and enforcer of unfair rules. When I wake up on these tired, uninspired days, I have to dig deep and remember that my children are innocent bystanders of my exhaustion.
I have to be mindful always, even if it means regular visits to hide in the bathroom and silently wish for my lost, pre-kid independence. They need a Mummy who looks at them with joy in her eyes. On those days, when I lose the battle and scream and yell because I’m not the perfect Mum that I aspire to be. I will always take the time to apologise and I will explain that Mummy is tired and just like them ,I feel grumpy sometimes. I make sure they see that I will always apologise for my feelings.
The children, well E knows that her Mummy is not perfect. She knows this because I openly point out my mistakes and I fix what I can. I think she see’s that I’m a work in progress. I hope that she is learning that mistakes and imperfections are a normal and are a part of life. These moments are where we all learn.
Yes, there are some days when motherhood is hard, so hard I feel desperately overwhelmed. Thank goodness those days are peppered amongst other days. The days when I’m woken with kisses, cuddle’s and declarations of love. Days when E squeezes my hand in a silent assurance that she needs me. Days when my kitchen counter is covered with hundreds of pieces of paper, each with a drawing and her telling me it is a picture of me. I think we are blessed beyond comprehension.
I’m sure that one day there will be more Lynsey emerging through than just being mummy. However for now I accept the tantrums, lack of sleep are all part of being mummy.
After all Every day, all day, I am Mummy and I do love this full time job.