Temporarily Buried Dreams

With every ounce of my being, I love these two little people. I made them with the love of my life, and we made them from love, and I love them.  I would not trade them for all the tea in China.

But maybe that’s because I’m not a huge fan of tea…

At the moment, they absolutely define me. One is five not far off six. The other is one. So life is all about them right now. It has to be. And it should be. And day to day, that fills me up.

But I have just been looking at an old friend’s Facebook page. Years back, we worked together. We clicked instantly. Time marched on, I had a couple of kids and she is still hugely proactive in building her career as a an actor and dancer. As rightly she should. She is extremely talented.

So I just watched a video clip sowing  several minutes of her recent performance. And it was brilliant. She’s gorgeous and fabulous and very talented.

I was happy for her.

As well as feeling like I had a giant emptiness in my belly, as though someone had just socked me. Even now, as I type, I feel it creeping up into my chest.

I am filled with….what? Envy? Longing? Regret? I don’t know. All of it.

I was thinking about dreams recently. Not the kind you have while sleeping but the kind that grow like a seed inside you. In my twenties, I was good to my dreams. I believed in them, I fostered them and nurtured them the best way I knew how.

I have fulfilled a few of my dreams which makes me happy inside. But what of the other dreams?

Having kids doesn’t kill your dreams. It buries them alive. With a mobile phone that keeps sending you text messages – ‘Hey, remember me? I’m not dead! Help me – I NEED to get out!’

Not everyone feels that way. Some people were born to be a mother and in becoming so, they fulfil their greatest dream. They are content.

For me, becoming a mother is a dream come true, too.

But I am, and have always been, a person with lots of dreams. I want to do EVERYTHING.

Ticking the mother box is awesome. A blessing.

But there are still so many other boxes.

So, I was happy for my  friend. And overwhelmed by a sense of longing to be back in that world even in some small capacity. But dreams don’t die unless you want them to. And with the acting, dancing, entertainment thing the truth of it is that until I am dead, that dream can continue to have the potential to be fulfilled.  The children will get older and both be at school and I will have more time.

So, there ahead in the tunnel, a light.

Of course, I experience residual guilt after these ‘episodes’. My kids are little gifts from above. Little pains, too, sometimes but gifts. Treasures. And it’s hard to reconcile the overwhelming love I have for them, the joy that goes with being their mother, with the competing desire to be someone else, too, someone separate.

There is no answer to any of this. Tomorrow, these feelings will have subsided and I will still be a mum to two of the most beautiful little girl and boy on the planet. And my dreams will be tucked safely away in my soul, waiting for a rainy day.

 

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7 Comments

  1. March 6, 2017 / 10:30 am

    This! Your words totally resonate with me too. I often feel that ‘me’ is tucked up hidden somewhere and I’m ‘just’ Mummy. I appreciate I’m very fortunate to be a Mummy (both IVF babies) but that doesn’t stop the feelings of occasionally missing the past or dreaming of the future. Right now, they need me and I’ll always be there for them. Who knows maybe their dreams will be similar to mine? They certainly love to travel like I do, and if it wasn’t for them, I could hardly write about family travel!

  2. March 6, 2017 / 11:49 am

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to do something, and have an identity, outside of being a parent. I believe it is quite possible to fulfil your dreams and still be an excellent mother. As you say, they won’t be little forever and once they’re at school, you’ll have all of that extra time to work on your dreams.
    Debbie
    Random Musings recently posted…Anything Goes Linky Week 84My Profile

  3. March 6, 2017 / 12:31 pm

    I totally relate to this. I think while becoming a mother does tick one box it does bury your dreams for a while but that is only temporary for each year as they get older the chance of rekindling those dreams becomes a little more likely.

  4. March 6, 2017 / 1:12 pm

    I do understand this feeling. I struggled when my daughter was a lot younger, now she is 8, I am able to work on some of those boxes for myself. I think there is a time and a season for everything and setting goals and working towards them is a great thing. Don’t feel guilty for wanting to progress, it’s a great thing and you and do it and be a mother too! It just takes a little longer.
    Angela Milnes recently posted…Get Your Free Preschool Study Unit For KidsMy Profile

  5. March 7, 2017 / 10:33 am

    I know what you are saying. It’s lovely when we are in the motherhood happiness groove but then those little reminders of our self pre-motherhood pop up & bring up memories & dreams. I’ve had that happen to me too. I’ve found as my kids get older (my youngest is 4 now) I have more free time & get back to things that are just me which is nice too. x
    Becky, Cuddle Fairy recently posted…Berghaus Kids Coats ReviewMy Profile

  6. March 16, 2017 / 8:02 pm

    If you can do something for you (work or otherwise) even for just a few hours a week it does help keep you sane and gives you that sense you are still you, not just “mum of….” It worked for me anyway, even though my wages basically paid the childcare costs!

  7. March 28, 2017 / 11:46 am

    I think we all get these. I’ve been a mum my whole adult life so I haven’t really ‘experienced’ life outside of the mum box. Sometimes I wonder what I would have done had I been carefree, but its usually a fleeting moment. I do wonder if I’m going to become one of those mums who relive their teens in my 40’s once the kids have grown up. We all have dreams and sometimes it’s just down to timing. On the flip side of things your friend may well be looking at your life and wishing she had a piece of that x

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