Every life has its earth quakes. The things that shatter us. That cause seismic shifts in our thinking. The events that shake our core and reshape our hearts.
For me, it was the loss of my dad. Life stopped and pivoted. I would never return to what I knew or who I was.
I’m on the other side now. I am okay. Most days I am more than okay. It has taken a long time. It has taken a long time to come to terms with it.
How do you get from the broken place to the functional place? After we lost my dad i just didn’t know how to react. I wanted a timeline and an indication of when it would hurt less. Instead I was gently told that it will get better in time.
The loss of a parent is devastating, it creates a huge void. The life that you have had growing up with two parents is suddenly no longer there.
I told myself that my dad wouldn’t want me to be the way i am. I knew he would be proud of me. So i shook off the dust and and finally made it through.
I faked it
I know this sounds so contrary to everything any self-help sort would ever tell you, but I faked it. I needed to. I faked being okay. I faked how I thought I should act (because I really had no idea). Because if I completely crumbled, I’d lose even more. So I told myself I was okay (when I wasn’t), I put on my big girl pants and tired to be there for my family. I told myself they needed my support, my mum particularly. There were plenty of times when I had to coach myself through this. I think by faking it people thought i was ok. Or perhaps they thought i was cold as i didn’t show all my emotions. I had to keep myself together for my mum and my children.
Then I stopped faking it.
Somewhere along the line, the fake person merged back with the me. The shock subsided. Anger rose. Acceptance would then surface. There were no linear stages of grief to work through as people tell you. If you google dealing with grief it will outline stages that you go through. Well let me tell you, its not a one size fit all. Everyone grieves in different way’s and some deal with it better than others.
I told people what I needed.
I was fairly articulate for a person in grief. There was no hesitation in letting people know what I needed and what I didn’t. For some, that’s a burden too great and that’s where online resources are so comforting. One thing i did find that helps and still does, is talking about my dad. Reliving the memories, which makes me smile.
It can be a strange thing – feeling better. Almost like another another loss. For a long time I felt beholden to give support, to be a part of the grieving. Longer than perhaps I needed to. Eventually I stepped away and found that I could deal with this unassisted. I still cry at times, tears come at the most unexpected of times. I miss him dearly and that is the one thing what will never change in my life.
I forgave myself (some days)
I felt guilt for not being there when he passed away and i still do feel guilt that i cant be with my mum as much as i would have liked.
If you are going through an earthquake, if the ground beneath your feet is shifting, please be gentle with yourself. With your heart, with your expectations, with your assumptions, with the way you treat yourself and others.
There is no road map for getting through grief, but grace towards self is a remarkable compass.
Go Gently.
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