I have reached the point when tiredness and stress appears to have taken over. It is now affecting me in many ways.
Any mum will identify with opening your eyes in the morning and feeling as though you have not enjoyed a wink of sleep. Trudging through days with low energy is the domain of the mum with young kids. Nothing new here. But I no longer have children who wake constantly through the night. My body is past the rigours of producing milk 24/7. Most nights, I am in bed by 10pm (sometimes a little later) and I wake again around if not before 7am. This is 8 hours of sleep. It’s hardly ever unbroken sleep but for the regular person, it should absolutely be enough to wake feeling reasonably refreshed and ready to tackle the day.
But that’s not how I wake up. On good days, I can wake with enthusiasm for the day ahead. I get up and my brain sifts through all the things I want to achieve. On good days, I believe in my ability to actually get all those things done. But often by the time I have gotten dressed, done something about my face and hair and gotten E off to school, I return home having run out of all the steam that had been fuelling my plans just an hour earlier. Then I completely lose momentum. Most days , I berate myself for the state of the house, the piles of clutter that just build and build and make me feel a little bit more fed up.
On bad days, I wake already defeated. I am short-tempered with the kids and lethargic. I can barely make small talk with the other mums at school drop-off. They’ll ask me how I am and I can only think to respond, “Tired,” because the level of exhaustion I feel overrides every other thought in my head. I can hear myself and I cringe because nobody wants to know you’re tired. Aren’t we all tired? Who flaming cares. Just pick yourself up and push on, just like everybody else.
I cannot pin point when I started to feel like this, I can only think it was the school summer holidays, not having five minuets to myself. I am not the only mum that is like this though, so why should it be any different for me. We had a trip to Derby which really got me down, M was rushed into hospital for emergency surgery as his appendix burst – which I have the inkling that he thinks I didn’t care. Looking after two children in a place that isn’t home is tough, not being able to drive made things a little harder. I feel like I am doing everything alone.
I get the feeling some people think I am just moaning and I am now aware that some people don’t approve of my parenting techniques. My reply to that is unless you are in my shoes It might be an idea to keep your thoughts to yourself.
The hardest thing to deal with at present is my health, the tiredness and the stress is affecting my epilepsy. I cannot recall my health being this bad in a long time. Every day is a challenge. Mornings I struggle with my myoclonic jerks no matter how much sleep I get. By the time night-time comes around they start all over again. It makes things even more hard work.
My hands are now peeling and getting sore, the start of stress related dermatitis. The last time I had this was during my GCSE exams.
Today I have become tearful as I feel very alone. My mum is amazing listening to me and not judging me in any way. I have some good friends that totally understand how I am and why I am feeling like this. Maybe I need to just relax, calm down and not care about anything.
I just need some time to myself and most importantly some time to look after myself. It is selfish to want to be able to do this when I have two beautiful children to look after.
I am sure everything will be alright soon enough, I will find a good balance once again. Then the perpetual tiredness will subside. Hopefully once M has recovered from his operation I will get some help and maybe get a little bit of time to myself.
Until then, please be patient and don’t expect too much from me.